Understanding the Unique Challenges Faced by Oldest Siblings
Oldest siblings often carry a unique set of experiences and challenges that shape their personalities and behaviors. Words like “fiercely independent,” “driven,” and “responsible” are commonly used to describe them, but these traits can come with hidden struggles. From an early age, firstborn children are often tasked with watching over their younger siblings while also navigating the learning curve of being raised by first-time parents. These experiences can manifest in various ways, including specific beliefs and issues that may surface during therapy sessions.
Role Models and Expectations
According to Aparna Sagaram, a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Philadelphia, oldest children typically have adult role models—such as their caregivers—since there are no other children around when they are born. This contrasts with younger siblings, who often look up to their older brothers or sisters as role models. Sagaram notes that this dynamic can lead to differences in behavior and mindset between older and younger siblings. While younger siblings may be more relaxed and carefree, older siblings often take on more responsibility and face higher expectations.
Struggles With Perfectionism
One of the most common issues discussed in therapy is perfectionism among oldest children. Altheresa Clark, a licensed clinical social worker and founder of Inspire4Purpose in Florida, explains that firstborns often experience trial-and-error parenting. New parents may not yet have the knowledge or strategies to raise their children effectively, which can result in strict or inconsistent parenting styles. This environment can push oldest children into developing a Type A personality, where they feel the need to be perfect and meet high expectations.
Clark emphasizes the importance of helping these individuals recognize the connection between their upbringing and their perfectionist tendencies. By understanding this link, oldest siblings can learn to be kinder to themselves and manage their self-critical thoughts more effectively.
Feelings of Imposter Syndrome
The constant striving for perfection can lead to imposter syndrome, where individuals feel they don’t deserve their achievements. Clark notes that this is especially common among high-achieving Black clients, who may internalize the pressure to succeed from a young age. The strict upbringing and high expectations can create a sense of unworthiness, making it difficult for these individuals to accept recognition or success.
Experiences With ‘Parentification’
Sagaram highlights another significant challenge: parentification. This occurs when oldest children take on adult responsibilities, such as caring for younger siblings, preparing meals, or managing household tasks. In many cultures, particularly within BIPOC communities, this expectation is deeply ingrained. However, it can lead to long-term emotional and psychological effects, such as difficulty relaxing, constant worry, and a tendency to always feel responsible for others.
Jealousy Toward Younger Siblings
Feelings of jealousy or resentment toward younger siblings are also common among oldest children. Sagaram points out that firstborns often feel they had to pave the way for their younger siblings, leading to a sense of unfair treatment. They may envy the perceived ease with which younger siblings navigate certain situations, such as poor grades or breaking curfew, and wish they could have experienced life in a similar way.
Trouble Asking For Help
Another challenge faced by oldest siblings is the reluctance to ask for help. Sagaram notes that many firstborns feel they must handle everything on their own, which can affect their professional and personal lives. This mindset can make it difficult for them to express vulnerability or seek support when needed. When they do open up about their struggles, they may face dismissive responses, reinforcing their tendency to hide their mental health issues.
Addressing Birth Order and Healing
While birth order plays a role in shaping personality and relationships, it is not the only factor. Sagaram emphasizes that it’s important to focus on healing rather than dwelling on birth order. Although it’s impossible to change one’s position in the family, it is possible to work through past experiences and build healthier relationships with family members.
Therapy as a Tool for Healing
For those struggling with the challenges associated with being an oldest sibling, therapy can be a powerful tool. Clark encourages individuals to seek therapy if they are experiencing perfectionism, imposter syndrome, or other related issues. Therapy can help uncover the roots of these behaviors, address unhealed trauma, and develop healthier patterns of thinking and behavior.
Family therapy can also be beneficial for those coming from families with broken bonds or toxic relationships. It offers an opportunity to improve communication and foster stronger connections with loved ones.
If you are seeking support, there are numerous resources available, including the American Psychiatric Association’s search tool, Psychology Today’s database, and specialized services like Inclusive Therapists and Therapy for Black Girls.
