Creating checklists, mapping out each aspect, and preparing for all possible scenarios… for certain individuals, the urge to manage everything goes beyond a simple preference for organization: it’s a fundamental, often intense, reaction. Beneath this inclination to maintain control, there is typically more than just a fondness for discipline.
A safeguard against anxiety
It’s not by chance that you experience a strong feeling of relief when you cross off an item from your to-do list or pack your bag three days before a journey. For you, control isn’t merely a routine; it’s an emotional comfort zone.
Psychologist Christel Petitcollin explainsthat this behavior frequently stems from childhood, especially when the environment was unstable.
An unpredictable parent? A disorganized daily routine? In response to this emotional instability, you might have adopted a very effective approach: maintaining complete control. Therefore, your brain has found a shortcut: the unexpected equals risk, and order equals security. The outcome? A strong, almost instinctive dislike for anything that deviates from the norm.
The pursuit of perfection, hidden behind a mask of control
Frequently, this desire for control is paired with a perfectionism that, although it seems strict, is truly a continuous source of stress. It’s not necessarily about wanting things done properly; it’s about wanting them to be perfect, even without any flaws.
Beware, perfectionism is not a strength. It can turn into a trap, a method to evade failure… or even more damaging, criticism. Since if everything is in control, nothing can threaten your image, nor activate that quiet inner voice that murmurs to you:You might have performed more effectively.
According to a research featured in the Journal of Anxiety Disorders, the desire for complete control is typical in individuals with generalized anxiety. It serves as an emotional defense mechanism. By managing the external environment, you aim to avoid internal chaos.
When authority extends to others
The issue arises when this desire for control goes beyond your own life and starts affecting your relationships. Do you plan every detail of the vacation, leaving no room for others’ input? Do you feel the urge to “help” your partner fold laundry (meaning you do it your way)?
This can be draining, both for you and those around you. Often, this drive to perform well stems from a more profound fear: the fear of being left behind if the situation becomes too unstable. By managing every detail, you attempt to maintain the bond. However, in the long run, this approach can lead to stress, miscommunication, and even emotional separation. Overcontrol may ultimately result in the very opposite outcome you hoped for: loneliness.
Signals that don’t deceive
Here are some signs that a desire for control might be becoming excessive:
- You experience significant stress when something unexpected occurs (even if it’s something small)
- You struggle with assigning tasks, even for straightforward ones.
- You may experience guilt or worry when events do not unfold as expected.
- You have authority over the minutest aspects: the arrangement of items, others’ timetables, and the method of loading the dishwasher…
If these scenarios feel familiar to you, know this: you are not “over the top,” you are merely looking for harmony.
Releasing something does not mean losing it, but rather creating space.
Releasing something isn’t a command to let everything fall apart. It’s a change. A soft shift towards more flexibility. And no, it doesn’t imply becoming untidy or residing in disorder. It simply means developing trust. Here are some suggestions to begin with:
- Attempt mild spontaneity: take a weekend trip without having every detail mapped out, allow another person to pick the dining spot, and be okay with not having all the specifics immediately.
- Assign a task that you typically handle (and be prepared for it to be completed in a different way).
- Delve into your feelings with a specialist: occasionally, recognizing the source of this desire for control helps you redirect it into a more balanced state.
- Develop the habit of speaking to yourself with kindness: your value is not determined by your capacity to control everything.
Your desire for control isn’t a weakness. It’s a way to cope that likely helped you in the past. But it doesn’t need to turn into a golden cage. By learning to trust—yourself, others, and life—you don’t expose yourself to risk. You gain freedom. Free to breathe without expecting every step. Free to create without having every detail mapped out. Free to love without trying to manage everything. Because sometimes, it’s byletting gothat we ultimately discover our complete strength.
