A Life Shaped by Financial Choices and Relationships
In my twenties, I didn’t give much thought to money or long-term financial planning. I found pension meetings dull and focused on day-to-day living. At the time, I had a well-paid job in advertising, which allowed me to afford a mortgage. That meant I was able to get on the property ladder when I turned 30. It wasn’t until my late twenties that I met my husband. He was rebellious and good-looking, and I liked that about him. A friend introduced us and said, “He’s fun, but not someone you’d settle down with.” I ignored her advice.
I had a pattern of being drawn to unpredictable men—what some might call ‘Peter Pan types’ who never seemed to grow up. My husband was a photographer, and I loved his creativity. My own job, on the other hand, felt tedious. I remember a close university friend who married an earl. At the time, I thought her choice was old-fashioned. Her plan was to have kids and not work, which I found boring. I wanted a career and didn’t expect my partner to be my meal ticket.
However, as time went on, I realized that being the main earner was a real challenge. I kept working, but I no longer loved my job. We lived together, but I always paid the mortgage and bills. I got used to picking up the tab when we went out to eat. It wasn’t that he didn’t have money—he had enough for small things—but it was clear that I would always be the main earner.
The Struggles of Raising Children
Later on, I underwent IVF treatment, which I paid for myself. My husband was very supportive, driving me to appointments and offering emotional support through a tough time. When we were lucky enough to have our first daughter, I began to realize how hard it would be to continue being the breadwinner.
After taking a year off, I returned to work, only to find that the organization had restructured. I took voluntary redundancy and received a generous payout, which helped us for a while. Having two children was expensive, and some might say it was foolish. Looking back, it did make my life more challenging in many ways. Juggling two kids and a demanding job was difficult.
I knew I didn’t want to stay in my cut-throat industry, but I felt like I had no choice. I couldn’t slow down. I often suffered from headaches and felt burnt out. I looked at my friends and felt envious. Some had bigger houses, and even though they worked, they weren’t dependent on their income.
Changing Perspectives on Money and Relationships
Over time, I started to feel resentful. I had lost touch with my friend who married the earl, but I began to wonder if she hadn’t been so foolish after all. Now, Gen Z is actively looking to marry into money. They are also more financially savvy than I was when I was young, largely due to the ongoing cost of living crisis and the difficulty of finding secure employment or affordable housing.
For example, one report shows an 8.2% unemployment rate for Gen Z, more than double the national average of 3.5%. For me, the key difference was that I found employment relatively easily and stayed in the same job for a long time. Back then, I wasn’t attracted to men based on their financial situation. I thought men in banking or investment were boring and not particularly creative. Now, part of me wishes I had a better balance—not being fully supported by a husband, but rather sharing responsibilities equally, instead of feeling like I’m carrying 75% of the load.
Reflections at 50
I’m now 50, and sometimes I think about what it would feel like to not be the one doing the tax return, worrying about the bills, or not getting work done on the house because we can’t afford it. I worry that this has made me bitter and affected our relationship. Right now, things are going well with work, so we can go on holiday and buy nice things for the kids. But I’m worried that the tide will turn, and I won’t be able to keep up the pace I’m currently maintaining. I’m in my fifties and don’t have the stamina I once had.
I love my husband deeply. We are a great team, and he does a lot around the house—more than many husbands who work full-time and expect their wives to do everything. But we don’t have any intimacy, and I think part of it is that I don’t respect my partner in the same way I would if he were financially independent. I feel like I have three kids rather than two.
Navigating Challenges and Regrets
We recently faced some difficult times, and I kept thinking about what it would be like to be single. On a financial level, there wouldn’t really be any changes—I would miss him, of course—but I know the world would keep turning. I regret not thinking about money more. Or choosing someone who was at least on the same financial level. I wonder what my friend who married an earl is doing. Is she happy?
