A Journey of Conscious Choice
For Vanessa and Xander Marin, the idea of having children was always a natural part of their future. Like many young couples, they often joked about it during their wedding vows. However, after nearly 15 years of marriage, they made a significant decision to live a child-free life. This journey has been shared through a TikTok video that has sparked conversations about family planning and personal choice.
Vanessa, who is 40, and Xander, 41, have been together for 17 years. In their video, they explain their decision to be definitively child-free and how they are handling the reactions from others. The couple shared, “We’ve been happily together for 17 years, and here’s why we choose not to have kids.” They both had imagined their lives with children, but they decided to focus on their marriage first before considering parenthood.
“We got married pretty young and told ourselves we would enjoy being married for a few years before we started to think about having kids,” they said. However, the time never came when they felt ready. Over the years, they realized they didn’t actually want to have children.
The couple engaged in a long and thoughtful conversation over 15 years, which evolved alongside their relationship. Initially, they believed they would eventually feel ready, but that feeling never arrived. As Vanessa explained, “People always told us, ‘You’ll know when you’re ready.’ But that feeling never came.”
This realization led them to shift their focus from whether they were ready to have children to whether they actively wanted to. For them, children deserve to be wanted, not brought into the world due to societal expectations or fear of regret.
Vanessa expressed her desire to look at a child and say, “Your mom and dad wanted to have you so badly.” However, when faced with the direct question, she couldn’t muster the desire. Xander echoed this sentiment, realizing that their lives already felt full. A pivotal moment for him was getting a vasectomy at age 38, which symbolized their commitment to their choice.
Processing Grief and Clarity
Accepting the child-free path also involved processing grief for Vanessa. She acknowledged that every decision comes with a loss. Despite knowing they would be “phenomenal parents,” she allowed herself to grieve the life they would never have.
“That actually made me feel more confident in our decision. I’ve learned that grief and clarity can exist at the same time,” she said. This understanding helped solidify their choice and provided a sense of peace.
Reactions and Reflections
Since sharing their story online, the couple has received a mix of responses. Many have been supportive, while others have offered pushback. One common accusation is that they are selfish. However, Vanessa finds this confusing.
“To us, it’s way more selfish to have a kid we don’t really want to have, just because we want to escape the possibility of feeling regret,” she said. She also found it challenging when people suggested that they would regret not having anyone to take care of them when they’re older.
Vanessa believes that such pushback might stem from others’ need for validation of their own choices. “When someone chooses something different, it can feel threatening,” she added. She emphasized that they respect everyone’s right to choose what’s best for their life.
“We don’t need everyone to understand our choice. It’s not their life. It’s not their marriage. That discomfort is theirs to sit with—not ours to fix,” she said.
Their story highlights the importance of personal choice and the courage it takes to make decisions that align with one’s values and desires.
