From early school days to high-level business meetings, we often hear: “Just be yourself.” Being genuine is the essential factor inconnection, career success, and a meaningful life, they claim. In an era featuring AI therapists and robotic baristas, our humanity stands as our most valuable asset.
But here’s the thing: It’s poor guidance.
As a certified psychotherapist, the author of “The Science of Stuck” and “Align Your Mind, and a corporate keynote speaker, I have witnessed how frequently individuals face challenges in understanding what it means to be genuine.
The demand to be “authentic” constantly may end up doing more damage than good.
Why authenticity is overrated
“Be true to yourself” might seem appealing, but it doesn’t stand up to deeper examination. At minimum, it’s lacking in some aspects. Here’s the reasoning:
You possess multiple “selves”
You possess numerous versions of yourself, something that becomes evident to anyone who has experienced inner turmoil. One aspect of you may desire to visit the gym, while another simply longs to relax on the couch and watch television series.
Being in a perpetual state of contradiction doesn’t label you as a hypocrite, but rather highlights your humanity. Consider the last timeyou experienced conflict regarding a choice. Perhaps a portion of you wished to voice your opinion during a meeting, while another part was afraid of being judged. These internal discussions demonstrate that your mind is a multifaceted environment of thoughts, emotions, and aspirations, rather than a single, unchanging entity.
Your sense of identity at any specific moment is influenced by numerous elements
Our nervous systems have a greater impact on our behavior than we typically understand. You don’t act the same when you’re well-rested compared to when you’re exhausted. When under stress or anxiety, you might lash out at a friend, even if that’s not your usual way. That brief moment of irritability may not reflect how you wish to interact—or how you would in a different mental state—but in that instant, it is still genuinely part of who you are.
” I’m just being myself” might serve as a justification for bad conduct.
While it is accurate that allfeelings are valid, all behaviors are not. Being genuine does not serve as a license to act without thinking about the consequences. For instance, an individual could invoke “authenticity” to defend harsh criticism or unkindness. Such actions harm trust and lead to avoidable disputes.
Regulating your emotionsachieving the correct balance between being genuine and considering the impact of your behavior on others is essential for maintaining healthy relationships, whether in professional settings or personal life.
What to do instead
A more efficient approach is to “guide yourself.” This involves acknowledging all the various aspects within your mind, such as the angry ones, the kind ones, the cooperative ones, and the self-centered ones.
Taking charge of yourself involves intentionally selecting which aspects are visible in every scenario and how. When you take control of yourself, you will be less impulsive and more capable of addressing stressors rather than simply reacting to them.
Here are four methods for developing self-leadership:
- Emphasize diversity over uniformity.The concept of a single “true self” simplifies the intricate nature of human personality. Adhering strictly to one aspect of yourself might seem like a form of security but often turns into a barrier that hinders development. Recognizing the various parts of your inner self means you are aware of how to adapt between different versions of yourself based on the situation.
- Pursue alignment rather than authenticity.Instead of looking for a single, true “self,” concentrate on creating connections among your internal components. This could involve conversing with the various aspects of yourself as though they were all sitting around a meeting table. By recognizing each part, you increase the chances of presenting yourself in a manner that reflects your values.
- Choose self-awareness over self-expression.You don’t need to be “real” constantly. More important than expressing every emotion or thought instantly is being conscious of all the different aspects of yourself that are trying to come through and deliberately deciding how you respond.
- Pick responsibility, not rawness.Expressing genuine feelings or “telling the truth” isn’t always appropriate. Being authentic without filtering can result in unnecessary disagreements. Being accountable involves deciding when and how to reveal your true self in a manner that fosters trust rather than undermines it.
Although “just be yourself” may have originated as thoughtful guidance provided by genuine mentors, the idea urgently requires an update to better suit the complicated, real-life scenarios we encounter daily.
Britt Frank, LSCSW, SEP, is a certified mental health professional, featured speaker, and writer of “The Physics of Being Stagnant: Overcoming Hesitation to Discover Your Way Ahead” and “Align Your Thoughts: Conquer Your Inner Critic and Find Harmony with Your Shadow Through the Strength of Internal Parts WorkShe earned her BA from Duke University and her master’s degree from the University of Kansas, where she eventually became a celebrated adjunct professor. Her writing has appeared in The New York Times, NPR, Forbes, Fast Company, and Esquire.
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