Understanding the Science Behind Temper Tantrums
Parenting is a complex journey filled with moments of joy, frustration, and everything in between. It’s often compared to walking a tightrope—balancing love for your children with the stress and challenges that come with raising them. While it’s not easy, the beautiful moments are worth holding onto, especially when things get tough.
Meltdowns and temper tantrums can be particularly draining. Watching your child lose control of their emotions can be overwhelming, and many parents feel helpless in these situations. It’s important to remember that these moments don’t reflect failure. Instead, they’re part of a natural developmental process that requires patience, understanding, and support.
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The Science Behind Tantrums
Temper tantrums are often misunderstood. Many parents may think their child is being defiant or disobedient, but the reality is quite different. According to research, young children don’t have fully developed brains like adults. Their prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for logic, problem-solving, and impulse control, isn’t fully formed until their mid to late 20s.
During a meltdown, the amygdala—the part of the brain responsible for emotions—is activated. This means children are flooded with feelings and often unable to think logically. This emotional storm can lead to outbursts, but it’s not a sign of poor parenting. Rather, it’s a reflection of their developing brain doing exactly what it’s supposed to do.
Old School Parenting Tactics: What’s Wrong and What to Do Instead
Many traditional parenting approaches focus on control and suppressing emotions, especially those that are difficult or uncomfortable. However, this method often fails because it doesn’t address the root cause of the behavior. Instead of trying to control or fix the situation, parents should focus on helping their child regulate their emotions.
Kristin Gallant, co-host of After Bedtime with Big Little Feelings, highlights this point by saying, “I forget that it is not my job to control it. It’s not my job to end it or fix it.” Parents should recognize that they cannot control another person, no matter how small they are. Punishing a child during a meltdown only adds to the emotional turmoil and doesn’t teach them how to manage their feelings.
The Importance of Emotional Regulation
The goal of modern parenting should be to help children develop the skills to manage their emotions effectively. This is different from suppressing emotions, which can lead to long-term issues. When children learn to regulate their feelings rather than hide or ignore them, they build resilience and emotional intelligence.
Deena Margolin explains, “Brains cannot learn in a fear state.” If a child feels ashamed or afraid of expressing their emotions, they may struggle to process them later in life. By creating a safe space where feelings are acknowledged and validated, parents can help their children develop healthier coping mechanisms.
Raising Emotionally Intelligent Kids
A key shift in parenting is recognizing that children are not broken or flawed—they are simply learning. Many older generations were taught to suppress their emotions as a way to avoid punishment or criticism. This approach can hinder emotional growth and lead to unresolved issues later in life.
Margolin praises the younger generation of parents who are embracing emotional awareness and teaching their children to do the same. “What if we raised kids, who from day one, knew ‘My feelings are safe. My parent can handle them, and I can handle them too,’” she says. This mindset fosters confidence, self-awareness, and emotional strength.
Final Thoughts
Parenting is a continuous learning experience. Understanding the science behind tantrums and adopting strategies that promote emotional regulation can make a significant difference. It’s time to move away from outdated methods and embrace a more compassionate, informed approach. By doing so, parents can help their children navigate emotions with grace and resilience.
