Understanding Eldest Daughter Syndrome
Eldest Daughter Syndrome (EDS) may not be a formal clinical diagnosis, but it has resonated with many women who have felt seen and understood when the term gained traction on social media. EDS refers to the unique and often age-inappropriate responsibilities and expectations placed on eldest daughters. Despite progress in understanding gender norms and stereotypes, psychologists highlight that these beliefs still persist today.
Dr. Emily Guarnotta, Psy.D., co-founder of Phoenix Health, explains that parents and grandparents may communicate differently with the oldest daughter, viewing her as the “second matriarch” of the family. This perception can lead to speaking to her more like a peer rather than a child. These cultural norms are largely responsible for such expectations, which can manifest in everyday conversations with this child. Psychologists are urging parents and grandparents to avoid certain phrases and instead focus on the one simple phrase that eldest girls need to hear most.
Phrases to Avoid with Eldest Daughters
-
“Why did you let your sibling do that?”
Dr. Brandy Smith, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist with Thriveworks, suggests that this phrase may reference maturity and responsibility that an eldest daughter does not own. While it may be appropriate in some situations, it’s important to consider whether the phrase fits within the scope of siblinghood. -
“Can you help your sibling with that?”
This phrase can sometimes be empowering, but it may also misplace responsibility. Relying too much on older daughters to care for their younger siblings puts them in the role of a surrogate parent, which can negatively affect their relationship with their siblings and caregivers. -
“Help me with the little ones.”
Parents and grandparents sometimes don’t ask the oldest daughter to help but instead tell her to. This can place a child into a “junior Mom” role, potentially leading to long-term harm rather than empowerment. -
“Be a good example.”
While well-intentioned, this phrase can give the eldest daughter the impression she has little room for error. It may make her feel that her mistakes are on display for others to see. -
“Be a good girl.”
This phrase can be loaded, especially for children who already feel pressure to be calm, pleasing, and responsible. It subtly implies that goodness is tied to behavior, which can lead to a lifetime of chasing perfection. -
“You ought to know better.”
The assumption here is that older equals wiser, but these are kids and not “mini-adults.” Psychologists suggest giving all kids the grace to grow at their own pace. -
“This gives you good practice with what it’s like to be a wife and a mom.”
These comments infer an expectation that the daughter will marry and have children, which may not align with her personal goals or aspirations. -
“You’re so grown up.”
This phrase can rob a child of her childhood by implying she should take on more responsibility. It can create pressure for her to become an adult more quickly than she feels capable. -
“You’re so smart.”
While meant as praise, this statement can reinforce a fixed mindset, suggesting that intelligence is something she is rather than something she builds. Psychologists recommend praising effort, persistence, and curiosity instead. -
“Don’t be so sensitive.”
This phrase is invalidating and communicates that her feelings are “too much.” It can lead to emotional suppression and hinder her ability to express herself in a healthy way. -
“Stop being dramatic.”
This phrase can promote emotional suppression, creating confusion and emotional shutdown for eldest daughters who are frequently expected to keep it together. -
“You’re stronger than that.”
This phrase can unintentionally shame vulnerability, making the daughter feel that feelings make her weak. Instead, using the phrase, “This is hard, and you can do it,” is more encouraging and validating. -
“Let it go.”
Comments like this can prevent space for normative emotions when a younger sibling behaves problematically. It sends the message that the oldest daughter is supposed to “put up” with problematic behavior. -
“I don’t worry about you.”
This phrase signals that her needs aren’t a priority or urgent, teaching her that her needs don’t matter. -
“You’ve always been the responsible one.”
This phrase can lock her into a rigid role, making her feel her worth is tied to taking care of others. -
“You are my rock.”
This phrase can place undue responsibility on the eldest daughter, making her feel responsible for making others happy and taking care of their feelings.
The #1 Phrase Eldest Daughters Need To Hear
The oldest daughter could really use a reminder that “It’s OK to make mistakes.” This gives her permission to be a child and not carry the weight of the world on her shoulders. It reminds her that life is a learning process and she is loved for who she is, rather than what she does for others. Dr. MacBride agrees, emphasizing the importance of counteracting the messaging that eldest daughters receive with a reminder that “it’s ‘OK to not be OK’ and that someone is there to help them with that.” These girls need a place where their feelings are validated and someone can see that life is messy, but none of that is contingent on whether they are loved, validated, or respected.
